It is tiring riding a roller coaster ride sometimes, running the full gamut of emotions from cycle to cycle. Already I feel unhappy about general everyday things. I recognize this sensation. The loathing of knowing another day coming; the judgmental attitude towards things that I really should not care about; the coldness towards others; the passive hostility underneath the polite surface; a swear word is just sitting at the tip of the tongue, ready to lash at somebody else who would just tip the scale.
It happened not too long ago when I finally decided I had enough and left the country. I never really explained to friends why I did so. I just told them, I needed a long break. It worked. Most of the days I found myself in Sydney, I would wake up feeling good. It is a wonder who waking up on the right side of the bed affects one’s life. Songs would play in one’s head, smiling to strangers greeting them good morning.
Now that I am back in Malaysia for nearly 10 months, that very feeling that sought escape from has returned. I never thought it would be back so soon.
I do not know what is the source of this anger but I have a feeling it is just the way society works in Malaysia. It could just be me, but if I found myself cheery and happy abroad but not at home, I would think the answer lies outside of me. Something at home makes me bitter.
There are thousands of things that make me angry. I could name them one by one, spending the whole day complaining about Malaysia. The whole thing is disagreeable and it bugs me. But I find it outrageous that any one of them could make me as bitter as I am now. It is killing me slowly.
Maybe, it is the accumulation of all things, but I am having trouble putting my finger on it regardless. Yet, I suspect it has something to do with the country. Maybe Malaysia with all of its idiosyncrasies is just not for me.
I am starting to think returning to Malaysia was a mistake. I should set a deadline and if by that deadline I feel worse or the same, I should leave for good. I know how it felt before and I do not like it. There is no reason I should endure it again. I have come to think that I rather be nobody and happy, than somebody but tortured.
