[1783] Of breaking free from a cursed shackle

I experienced a tremendous surge of security today and I have not felt such feeling in such a long time. The only regret I have is that I did not set a higher target for myself. I might have set a goal too low for myself. Ever since graduation a few years ago from Ann Arbor, life has consistently tried to bring me down and the toll it took on my confidence was breaking me. My self-esteem suffered but after a few rallying personal events, I am on my way back up.

I am happy because I am overcoming the shadow of my former self. I am winning against myself.

I have secured my path into the future. That path was in the state of flux previously and I really did not know what I wanted in life. There were too many unknowns to think of, too many factors to consider, too many calculations required. Too many a time, I found myself staring blankly outside to see everything but see nothing.

Now, however, now, the path forward is as clear as daylight and all I need to do now is walk down the lane and never to look back. I have earned a place for a post-graduate work abroad.

If everything goes well for the next few months, I should be out of this country again. The only issue that may pull me back is matter of finance. A back-of-the-envelope suggests I need to raise approximately RM100,000 in the next few months to live comfortably, on top of whatever savings that I have at the moment. Despite the my training, I was surprised of the requirement for additional fund. I had budgeted that I would be able to fund myself through this journey. As it turned out, I have not considered my whole expected expenses in a comprehensive manner. That is my only fear.

Despite concerning regarding the additional money which I need to raise, the fact that I am able to depend on my ability through and through thrills me. It thrills me because this is the chance for me to escape from one criticism which I think is unfair and I extremely deplore.

In A Malaysian Journey, Rehman Rashid writes something to the effect that the Malays are cursed of not knowing whether he had succeed because of his ability or because of affirmative action. My personal experience has taught me the truth of those words. Given my unfriendly position with respect to the flawed affirmative action in Malaysia, my critics have used that very same idea raised by Rehman Rashid against me.

I went to the Malay College and I attended the University of Michigan. While Michigan accepted me based on merit, it is really hard to say if the government scholarship which I received to go to Michigan as well as the somewhat subsidized education which I was obtained at the Malay College was on merit or simply because of the affirmative action. I therefore grappled to answer criticism against my position to the affirmative action.

I cannot live with that. Only the stars know how much I want to silent my critics and a spot in a post-graduate program gives me the chance to do everything on my own, the personal responsibility which I am undertaking, provides everything that I need.  It provides me the hammer for me to use to break free from that curse, once and for all, and more.

I earned my time to bask in the sun and nobody, nobody, can rob me of this. I am now free in one more aspect of my life.