[1573] Of down at the bottom of the trough

At long last, the day arrives. I am approaching the poll with deep apprehension after a surge of confidence I never thought would be possible. After all that had been said and done, something convinced earlier me that change was in the air. To come to think of it however, that was the same feeling many other shared in 1999, in 1990 or anytime when support for Barisan Nasional was low.

A friend back in Ann Arbor used to chide me for having violent mood swing. He and several others would wonder what happened to me within a short period of time until eventually, they figured out that it was just one of my idiosyncrasies; he used to joke that I suffered from PMS.

I could be so full of confidence, a maniac with unbelievable amount of enthusiasm in one day and a melancholic hermit feeling suicidal in the next. I am on that raft in the middle of the sea with no shore in sight now, finding myself at the bottom of a trough. It was only days ago I had a confidence that was so irrational that I could not explain it fully. After some doses of reality, gravity is pulling me back down to the earth.

I fear that the election tomorrow may bring me farther down while I thought I was already at the bottom. I fear that I might sulk for the whole day, trying to gather pieces of myself with little hope for tomorrow. The sun will rise again tomorrow and everyday after tomorrow but I fear I might not be there to brave the sunrises.

An acquaintance once gave me an advice: whatever happens, keep the passion. I would love to take heed but I am already badly disillusioned. I cannot be sure if I could take another blow. The system has been manipulated through and through with gross disregard for institutional integrity that it made hope, even the tiniest of all, not a vocabulary one would have in mind.

I am unsure why but this election, at least at this particular moment, is draining me emotionally. The odd thing is that I am neither directly involved in it apart from being a voter nor invested too heavily in a campaign. Yet, I felt that so many is at stake.

I will wake up in the morning with a hope so grand that it is doomed to be pierced. I will do what I must and brave myself for the eventuality. I am unsure if I could weather bitterness as bad as the one I had suffered in November 2004 but yet, the sun will surely rise again. I think I could take comfort that the sun will rise yet again, everyday.

Oh, it is almost humorous to think that just days ago I was imagining of a new federal government, that one that would refrain from transgressing liberty. If I had not known better, I could have sworn that I was on weed. Yet, I pray, even if to nothing, for the best of all possible worlds.

Hey Dr. Pangloss, how are you?