Author: Hafiz Noor Shams

Sometimes, religious conservatives, regardless of beliefs, share common traits. Here are few commonalities among conservatives (tag). The list is by no mean exhaustive nor it is exclusively attributed to religious conservatives. Nor a person has to have these attributes to be a religious conservative. It’s just a guideline. However, if a person shares more than a few attributes stated below, chances are, the person is a religious conservative. Enjoy:

1. They’re the chosen people. They’re the best of all human beings, regardless of moral. Sometimes, in their bedrooms, you’ll find stickers “IM DA BEST” all over. Signed by their gods of course. Well, yeah… they fake the signatures.
2. They self-appoint themselves as god’s or gods’ (for simplicity’s sake, gods’) representatives on Earth. Therefore, they expect others to look upon them highly. Pay them. Even feed them. Everything.
3. They believe that they’ve a monopoly on truth. They believe that since the gods are the ultimate truth and that they’re gods’ representatives, whatever they say or do is the truth. So, this give them the exclusive rights to design laws or fatwas at their wimps.
4. The incapable-of-mistakesism disease. Otherwise known as I’m-always-rightism. This is directly because they think that they’re the self-appointed guardians of their religions; gods’ representative on Earth. In their opinion, any mistake by them will reflect on their gods and so, they solve this dilemma by insisting that they’re mistake-free. Even if they’re driving and take the wrong turn, they’ll always be right, even if they’re lost.This disease is also a widespread problem in the male population all over the world. Possible source for such correlation is probably due to the fact that religions have always been dominated by men.
5. Any criticism against them is considering criticism against god or gods. This is probably because they keep quoting their holy books. After some time unfortunately for all of us, they’re confused about when they’re speaking for themselves or when they’re quoting their gods. This intolerance of criticism is the reason why certain conservatives apparently have inability to listen to reasons.And remember when there were criticism against novel SHIT back in the late 1990s in Malaysia? Because the author was associated with PAS (a religious conservative political party in Malaysia), the head of PAS tried to justify the author’s usage of obscene words by saying even god mencarut (expresses obscene words).
6. Intolerant of difference in opinion. If there’s difference in opinion, they’ll kill you. When they say 1 + 1 = 3, you don’t want to argue with them. Reconsult number 3, 4 and 5.
7. Watch out for those that keep talking and talking and talking without listening. Sometimes, it helps to check if they’re running on Energizer. More importantly, avoid a female conservative at all cost!Who are these conservatives? Why, preachers of course!
8. They have short fuse. In other word, emotional and any prolonged heated argument will degrade to uncivilized discussion. Watch out for mud balls. DUCK!
9. They have no respect of other religion. To the conservatives, those of different beliefs are second-rated people. For instance, these conservatives’ rights and privileges must rule supreme over any other individual rights, even if those rights and privileges infringes on others’ rights. If you want a match of the century, wait until conservatives starting to turn on themselves. It happened before; Catholics-Protestants, Sunni-Shiite. Jedi-Sith.
10. Polemicists. For some reasons, they like to look for petty argument. It could be a bright sunny day with blue sky but you could depend on a conservative to ruin it. In fact, if you want to ruin other person’s fine day, hire a conservative and send the conservative to that person.
11. They practice double standards and selective reasoning. For instance, murder of any kind is wrong but for them, murder of Muslims is wrong but murder of Jews is okay. Murder of “kafir” are okay.Then, they talk of freedom but readily prevent others from practicing freedom. Freedom is only acceptable when such freedom suits their purpose. It’s like having a selfish girlfriend; she can do whatever she likes but you can’t do whatever she likes. You don’t want to get into marriage with that girlfriend of yours.
12. Their love of double standards make them easy targets for students of logic or those that are familiar with rules of logic. When the conservatives are caught with their back against the wall, they’ll switch the subject. This is where personal attack could also occur. Sometimes, they run away, hiding inside a small box slightly smaller than their world, which unsurprisingly is another box. If somebody pokes their box, they’ll hide into yet another box and they have endless supply of boxes.
13. They’re the moral police. They’ll dictate your moral because their moral is superior to ours. You can’t do this and that but they can sodomize some kids entrusted to them or ask a female that was caught by moral police to do a blowjob for him!
14. They have the weirdest sense of humor. When they call for the killing of all non-believers, they call it a “satire”. They will later be surprised if the public gets angry. Or when a person dies, they will make a joke out of it.

Any more?

Oh yeah. Probably intolerant of jokes too. They like to make jokes on other people but can’t accept jokes on themselves. They’ll burn the whole city to the ground just to prove that they can’t accept joke. Or they just sue you.