So, after failed war on drugs, war on tobacco, war on Mat Rempit, war on inflation, etc, now we are on the verge of another war: war on crime.
Here is a few tips on how to reduce our horrible crime rate.
- The Information Minister Zainuddin Maidin has a brilliant idea: the press should stop reporting on crime and violence that occur in our society. Indeed that there is a positive correlation between the number of crime committed and news reporting on crime. Surely because of the positive correlation, the reduction of one factor would reduce the other. Never mind that correlation is not causation. Besides, fighting real crime is tough. We need to be smart and fight the easier battle. If the easier path leads to the same result, why not take the easier path? Biggest bang for the buck!
- It is all about mind over matter. If nobody is aware of any crime committed anywhere, then there is no crime at all. Seriously, who would hear a falling timber in the middle of a jungle, in the middle of nowhere? And here is the beauty of this rationale: if the press stops reporting on crime, the public would be unaware of any crime and then, voila, no crime! Seriously, there is no fork and there is no crime.
- People always forget that the crime rate we all hear or read about everyday in the news is actually reported crime rate. This is an important realization because if the police force records less reports, that would mean lower crime rate! Hence, the police force should just refuse recording reports from the public. The refusal would lead to lower crime rate!
- Oh, oh, do not forget this. More compulsory religious classes! Religion is the panacea to all of worldly miseries. Of course, crime committed in the name of religion, like kidnapping, is not crime but rather, justice as demanded god. Kill all infidels!
- We all know how nice we all are. We do not commit rate. In fact, the immigrants are the cause of all our woes! Do not trust statistics that says we as locals commit more crime that the immigrants. You know that statistics is untrue. But enough of statistics and here is a solution: send all of those immigrants back to hell! We do not need them (but please let me keep my maid).
- Ban content from the West! Western culture is corrupting the purer and better eastern values and moral. We need to censor those no good western values.
- Eight, redefine crime! Crime is no more crime and protesting against crime is a crime! It is imperative to arrest those that protest against crime because such protest raises awareness about crime. If awareness increases, it creates crime and that is unacceptable! Refer to number 2.
- Recruit criminals as crime fighters. If all criminals are now crime fighters, all criminals are basically the cops now. Hence, no more criminal to commit crime. It might have failed with the Mat Rempit but trust me, it will work now!
If implemented properly, we all would be living in a safe society. Definitely safer than living in Baghdad. Fret not Malaysians, the government will win this war for us!
