I woke from a satisfying slumber at nine in the morning at Madison after a long journey from Minneapolis. As I regained consciousness, I found my friend’s place as quiet as a library. I struggled to open my two weak eyelids, trying to stay awake. The eyes couldn’t be stimulated by the lights of sweet morning; my iris was trying to adjust its radius, adjusting itself quickly to allow the retina to receive the right amount of light. The muscles felt so refreshed but still, it was expectedly weak.
I tried to get up from the comfortable airbed but all the fight against slumber looked useless but yet I succeeded. I stood up, seeing blurred images, still trying to pull out my consciousness from somewhere in this world. I opened the room door and saw two of my friends sleeping in the living room. I know they were exhausted from the travel. The journey is not over yet however. In front of us, in the time dimension that is irreversible, lays more than 24 hours of drive. I wandered around a little bit. I couldn’t find my other friend. Perhaps he’s out. Nothing else to do, I returned back to bed that I’d slept on and sat on it. The pillow looked so tempting but I must continue my fight to stay wake. I stood up again and sat on a chair in front of a computer desk. I keyed in a few commands into the computer and made Winamp to play a long list of mp3s.
Heaven, it’s so comfortable here. It is making me to not wanting to travel. I just want to stay here and just rest. Back in Minneapolis, before I closed the car door, there was a small voice inside my head saying “Hafiz, don’t go. I know you’d like it here. Just stay here. Let them go and suffer the exhaustion…” I didn’t succumb that voice as I know I was the one that said in Ann Arbor in the first place “I must get out from here for at least for awhile”. Thus, I pulled the car door and say “Alright, let’s go”.
Now, here in Madison for the second time, I really don’t want to go into that Ford Taurus and head straight to Indiana. The journey would seem to take forever. The journey will make me entangled into uneasiness. A scenario change from a cozy padded chair to the ever-moving seat in a vehicle makes me feel unpleasant. After a blink of the eyes, my mind went though time, remembering vividly some time in the past, the virtual confession I’ve made inside a sleep. I am a conservative. I am. No matter how much I hate to label myself with that, I can’t lie to myself.
Maybe, that’s why I hate changes so much. I’ve tried so many a time trying to prevent changes but too often, my acts were useless. Some changes can’t be stopped. A person just can’t force the world to move aside with brute forces. A person just can’t push the Great Wall with both of his hands. Even Sir Isaac Newton declared that there is no work done by that action. Knowing this, why I’m still swimming against the current? Again, I know the answer.
I’m just scared of life. I’m afraid of the consequences. I can’t blame myself for that. My life is shaped by experience. I learned from experience, much like everybody else who is trying to achieve a better life. However, I’m different. While trying to reach a better life, I’m trying to hold everything else as constants so that I can just focus in one main direction. It’s a hard thing and I even starting to think that what I’m doing is a vain act. Life is so hard but here I am; better off from millions of others. Yet, here I am, complaining, hating changes. Why I hate it so much?
Unfamiliarity, uneasiness, instability, ignorance, incapability, dissatisfaction. I’m afraid all of those words. There are more but in a way or another, it has the same negative meanings.
Yet, as I traveled on the interstate freeway, my surroundings were painted with the clean white snow; the skies were the unimaginable elvish blue. It was a beautiful sight. And it was caused by a change. A scenario change from the metropolis of Minneapolis to the countryside of Madison. Maybe, this is the reason why I must endure changes, for better or for worse.