It is tiring riding a roller coaster ride sometimes, running the full gamut of emotions from cycle to cycle. Already I feel unhappy about general everyday things. I recognize this sensation. The loathing of knowing another day coming; the judgmental attitude towards things that I really should not care about; the coldness towards others; the passive hostility underneath the polite surface; a swear word is just sitting at the tip of the tongue, ready to lash at somebody else who would just tip the scale.<\/p>\n
It happened not too long ago when I finally decided I had enough and left the country. I never really explained to friends why I did so. I just told them, I needed a long break. It worked. Most of the days I found myself in Sydney, I would wake up feeling good. It is a wonder who waking up on the right side of the bed affects one\u2019s life. Songs would play in one\u2019s head, smiling to strangers greeting them good morning.<\/p>\n
Now that I am back in Malaysia for nearly 10 months, that very feeling that sought escape from has returned. I never thought it would be back so soon.<\/p>\n
I do not know what is the source of this anger but I have a feeling it is just the way society works in Malaysia. It could just be me, but if I found myself cheery and happy abroad but not at home, I would think the answer lies outside of me. Something at home makes me bitter.<\/p>\n
There are thousands of things that make me angry. I could name them one by one, spending the whole day complaining about Malaysia. The whole thing is disagreeable and it bugs me. But I find it outrageous that any one of them could make me as bitter as I am now. It is killing me slowly.<\/p>\n
Maybe, it is the accumulation of all things, but I am having trouble putting my finger on it regardless. Yet, I suspect it has something to do with the country. Maybe Malaysia with all of its idiosyncrasies is just not for me.<\/p>\n
I am starting to think returning to Malaysia was a mistake. I should set a deadline and if by that deadline I feel worse or the same, I should leave for good. I know how it felt before and I do not like it. There is no reason I should endure it again. I have come to think that I rather be nobody and happy, than somebody but tortured.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
It is tiring riding a roller coaster ride sometimes, running the full gamut of emotions from cycle to cycle. Already I feel unhappy about general everyday things. I recognize this sensation. The loathing of knowing another day coming; the judgmental attitude towards things that I really should not care about; the coldness towards others; the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9569","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-personal"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/maddruid.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9569","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/maddruid.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/maddruid.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/maddruid.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/maddruid.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=9569"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/maddruid.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9569\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":9573,"href":"https:\/\/maddruid.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9569\/revisions\/9573"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/maddruid.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=9569"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/maddruid.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=9569"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/maddruid.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=9569"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}