Just because it is humorous, I think the following deserves a mention for eternity, or until this blog is dead, whichever comes first.<\/p>\n
NOON. Somewhere on the upper decks of Buckingham Palace.<\/p>\n
[knock knock] “Your Majesty? Are you in there?” [knock knock]<\/p>\n
“Who’s there?”<\/p>\n
“Your serf.”<\/p>\n
“Your serf who?”<\/p>\n
“Your serf N’dour.”<\/p>\n
“You must be seven seconds away then.”<\/p>\n
“Actually, I’m right here, Your Majesty. May I come in?”<\/p>\n
“Of course not. I’m on the throne.”<\/p>\n
“There’s a group of Indian gentlemen at the gates.”<\/p>\n
“So what else is new? They’ve been there since the end of our empire.”<\/p>\n
“They have a letter for you, ma’am.”<\/p>\n
“Tell them to take it to Sonia Gandhi.”<\/p>\n
“They’re not that kind of Indian, ma’am.”<\/p>\n
“Neither is she.”<\/p>\n
“They’re Malaysians.”<\/p>\n
“Malaysians? Lovely people. Quite charming. They have kings and queens too. Highly civilised, I call it. Last time I was there was to open our Commonwealth Games in ’98. There was a spot of rioting going on, as I recall, but they took great pains to spare Philip and I the tear gas.”<\/p>\n
“Beg pardon, ma’am, but that should be Philip and me.”<\/p>\n
“How dare you. Go find your own husband, you horrid little man.”<\/p>\n
“Got one. Would you like me to read you the contents of their letter?”<\/p>\n
“Of course not. Just give me the gist of it.”<\/p>\n
“They love you and want four trillion pounds.”<\/p>\n
“Of what?”<\/p>\n
“Sterling.”<\/p>\n
“Good heavens. What for?”<\/p>\n
“Back wages, I think.”<\/p>\n
“Goodness gracious, how long were they working for us? I haven’t got four trillion pounds. Do I?”<\/p>\n
“No, ma’am. Unless you’d like to sell Scotland to the Irish.”<\/p>\n
“They don’t have four trillion pounds either. Can we sell Europe?”<\/p>\n
“No longer, I’m afraid.”<\/p>\n
“Hong Kong, then.”<\/p>\n
“Ten years too late, ma’am.”<\/p>\n
“Blast. Well, you’ll just have to tell these Malaysian Indian gentlemen to go away, we haven’t got the money.”<\/p>\n
“They say it’s just a point of principle, they don’t really expect to get four trillion pounds.”<\/p>\n
“So what’s all this about then?”<\/p>\n
“They want the Crown to acknowledge they’re worth four trillion pounds, and deserve four trillion pounds, even if they’ll not get tuppence.”<\/p>\n
“Oh come now, we can give them that much. Maybe even a whole shilling and a cup of tea. They were our loyal servants, after all. See to it, won’t you.”<\/p>\n
“Very good, ma’am.”<\/p>\n
“I know I am. But tell me, who’s in charge of these people now?”<\/p>\n
“At the moment, Scotland Yard, ma’am.”<\/p>\n
“I meant back where they came from.”<\/p>\n
“Ah. There seems to be some confusion over that. According to their tourist office over on Trafalgar Square…”<\/p>\n
“Nelson! My favourite franchise. I’ve always wondered if Hardy actually kissed him.”<\/p>\n
“…they are represented by a political party in a democratically elected government under a constitutional monarchy.”<\/p>\n
“Like ours?”<\/p>\n
“Not in the least. They have nine monarchs.”<\/p>\n
“Well, so much the better for them.”<\/p>\n
“But these gentlemen claim they have been left out and ignored for 50 years.”<\/p>\n
“My husband’s been for 60 and you don’t hear him complaining.”<\/p>\n
“But he’s not one of your subjects.”<\/p>\n
“Oh yes he is.”<\/p>\n
“I stand corrected, ma’am…”<\/p>\n
“Just how I like it.”<\/p>\n
“…but the gentlemen at the gate aren’t your subjects either.”<\/p>\n
“Their country’s part of the Commonwealth, isn’t it?”<\/p>\n
“Mm-hmm.”<\/p>\n
“And I’m the head of the Commonwealth, aren’t I?”<\/p>\n
“Where are you going with this?”<\/p>\n
“Therefore, they are my subjects.”<\/p>\n
“It doesn’t quite work like that, ma’am. Not any more.”<\/p>\n
“Then what’s the point of being queen?”<\/p>\n
“Frankly, ma’am, a lot of us are wondering ourselves.”<\/p>\n
“I am still queen, aren’t I?”<\/p>\n
“Yes, ma’am.”<\/p>\n
“And head of the Commonwealth?”<\/p>\n
“Yes, ma’am.”<\/p>\n
“And these people need my help?”<\/p>\n
“That’s what they say, ma’am.”<\/p>\n
“And four trillion pounds.”<\/p>\n
“Quite.”<\/p>\n
“Tell them we thank them for their loyalty, now naff off.”<\/p>\n
“Very well, ma’am.”<\/p>\n