It is tiring riding a roller coaster ride sometimes, running the full gamut of emotions from cycle to cycle. Already I feel unhappy about general everyday things. I recognize this sensation. The loathing of knowing another day coming; the judgmental attitude towards things that I really should not care about; the coldness towards others; the passive hostility underneath the polite surface; a swear word is just sitting at the tip of the tongue, ready to lash at somebody else who would just tip the scale.

It happened not too long ago when I finally decided I had enough and left the country. I never really explained to friends why I did so. I just told them, I needed a long break. It worked. Most of the days I found myself in Sydney, I would wake up feeling good. It is a wonder who waking up on the right side of the bed affects one’s life. Songs would play in one’s head, smiling to strangers greeting them good morning.

Now that I am back in Malaysia for nearly 10 months, that very feeling that sought escape from has returned. I never thought it would be back so soon.

I do not know what is the source of this anger but I have a feeling it is just the way society works in Malaysia. It could just be me, but if I found myself cheery and happy abroad but not at home, I would think the answer lies outside of me. Something at home makes me bitter.

There are thousands of things that make me angry. I could name them one by one, spending the whole day complaining about Malaysia. The whole thing is disagreeable and it bugs me. But I find it outrageous that any one of them could make me as bitter as I am now. It is killing me slowly.

Maybe, it is the accumulation of all things, but I am having trouble putting my finger on it regardless. Yet, I suspect it has something to do with the country. Maybe Malaysia with all of its idiosyncrasies is just not for me.

I am starting to think returning to Malaysia was a mistake. I should set a deadline and if by that deadline I feel worse or the same, I should leave for good. I know how it felt before and I do not like it. There is no reason I should endure it again. I have come to think that I rather be nobody and happy, than somebody but tortured.

One Response to “[2479] That feeling again”

  1. on 30 Dec 2011 at 08:59 Bobby

    Thought you were going to take that position down South you mentioned before.
    People like us are always hankering for something better, and if things don’t get better fast enough, we move on instead of waiting.
    You were/are different.
    Especially a big surprise when I found out you were a MCKK Old Boy.
    They don’t make people like you anymore.
    All in all, I know you’ll do good wherever you are and wish you all the best.

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