[4] Of reflecting my life

It seems that I just can’t stop writing. I wonder why life is so meaningless, for me, at least at 0419.

I looked back through time. I started to count how many friends that I have made so far…currently, I guess the number far surpassed 500. It may well reach 1000. I wonder, what fractions of that number does have a feeling of hatred against me. I wonder, what I have done, trying to figure out what are needed to be done. I’m clueless and confused.

Why it is always hard for people to understand me? Why it is always me who has to understand others?

In my life, I have always tried to divert any conflict from myself. I react only when being struck directly. If you know me and observed me like the Watcher observed the Marvel Comics’ Universe, you’ll find that I am similar to the bee. If you do not want to be attacked, don’t disturb the hive. For instance, when a guy from the top of OPP’s administration accused us of making slanderous statement on OPP’s reputation, I fought back. And if you realized, right now I’m having a cold war with two Illini; it happened because of the “Muck Fischigan” phrase. There a lot of thing that I can give as examples but it would take my whole lifetime to write it down. But that will make me no different than Scrooge McDuck. It will make me no different than a sore loser.

It will make me no different from the lowlife that attacked me.

As I reflected back in my life, I realized, that I lived my life the way I was dictated. By my parents, by friends, by the schools, by the media, by the government, by the Law of Physics and by God. From now on, I am going to decide my own destiny. I’ll write up my own philosophy. Plato, Socrates, Tun Sri Lanang, Napolean, Peter, Einstein, Sun Tsu, Bush, Asoka, Vajiravuht, Mahathir, Mao, watch out. I’ll make you to turn over in your grave, tomorrow.

Why am I writing this?

I don’t know. “There’s no reason in life…”. I can’t say that I can agree with that. There’s reason. There are reasons. It’s just that it is too hard to find it. The reason is so deep, it’s beyond the event horizon’s boundary. It’s in the void. But when you think you know what the reasons are, another realization will creep up into your empty mind. Everything comes head to head. Suddenly, the whole reasons don’t confer with each other. If you say I am gibberishing… Ask yourself this question, is there God? If there is, how do you know?

Whatever the answer might be, I personally believe in God. But sometimes, where you read too much, anything can happen. Are you familiar with the Theory of Everything? A friend of mine who is in M.I.T. gave an equation, N = NP. Just pray that N does not equal to NP. If it does, then, Islam, Christianity, Judaism… will become obsolete.

One reason of life…is it love?

Love is so beautiful. So beautiful that you’ll feel as if you’ve set your feet in heaven’s uppermost level. So beautiful as if there is nothing more important than love. Yet, love can be painful. So painful that you feel like your heart is being crush by a morningstar slowly. I cried once, in the dark. While I was crying, I thought amazingly a lot. It’s like every thought that can be thought by a human passed through my consciousness within a short frame of eternity. A computer would crash but for a human – insanity. From love, anger will emerge. A burning fire, hotter than the white dwarf’s, worse than hell, runs awild in one’s mind. Maybe what Yoda said in Star Wars is the truth. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hatred, hatred leads to the dark side…

God, thy love is endless. Love thy humble servant. Please.

By Hafiz Noor Shams

For more about me, please read this.

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