I do not know what to write. Yet I need to write as we come closer to the election date.

I guess I just want to say that I am scared. I am scared of heartbreak.

I volunteered in the 2008 general election and the 2011 Sarawak state election. The two campaigns that I participated in were successful. The joy of winning the election was beyond words. But most importantly, I did not hold high expectation of winning. Things came out as a complete surprise. It was a pleasant surprise.

This time around I have a problem. Although I am less involved as I am not volunteering for anyone and I have not been to too many political events, I somehow have set a certain expectation. Past victories made me addicted to that feeling of joy.

I will not share the expectation but I can tell you that it is susceptible to disappointment.

I did not realize how much emotional investment I have made into the political process over the years until just now. I did not realize how much I am rooting for a certain party to win. I know I have always rooted for them over the past years but the intensity that I feel right now goes beyond my comprehension. It is as if I just realized I have made considerable emotional investment while I was sleeping. Then suddenly, just as I wake up, I find out of that investment with tomorrow will be the judgment day. Tomorrow will decide whether that investment will bear fruits. I wake up shocked, feeling naked with no time to regain my composure.

That is just too much for me.

I now somehow understand how a person can resort to violence. The impossibility of accepting a disappointment so big will force one to reject reality and forcefully change what is true. Slam the sledgehammer hard enough and then maybe reality will change so that it will no longer be a disappointment. It can become what you want and expect. From a loss, to a win, by force.

And if you have been in power so long, being out of power can create a sense of denial that is so strong…

I am not advocating violence. Violence is the worst thing that can probably happen the day after tomorrow. Violence will undo whatever progress we have made, win or lose. Yes, win or lose, there will be progress. We cannot allow violence to undo the progress.

But I think I can understand why someone would or could resort to it. I think so.

As I sit here, I am hoping for the best and try to temper my expectation down. The high expectation is unhealthy for me, especially since, well, what can a person do so late right now? It is unreasonable to punish myself for something I realistically have no control over. Damn those political scientists.

Hopefully tomorrow by the time I wake up and get ready to vote, my expectation will be lower than what I have right now, just to save myself from any heartbreak that I cannot stand.

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